5/30/2021 - 6/5/2021
5/30/21
woke up. did the errands. sans michael, again. he had the green screen day
got back and did a walk with one of my housemates and longtime friends. we do this big circuit called ‘the grand lap’ that goes through downtown.
i got back and i worked on ‘bored, & worse, fine with it’. I think i got it to where it needs to be, actually - now it’s about synth tones and production and getting final lyrics down and whatnot.
then i had the great idea to look up my ex’s fb/ig. which leads me to a bit of a story that will be new territory for this journal that i really don’t want to shy away from.
in truth, i was in a relationship from sept 2020 - early april (about) 2021. it was my first relationship in 3 years - i’m not really a big relationship guy. and when i say that, i don’t mean i don’t crave them. it just takes a lot for me to get into one - it seems like a huge deal and the level of person it takes for me to integrate so intensely into someone’s life feels almost impossible most days. i can’t fathom that person.
nonetheless, i was anomalistically enthusiastic entering that relationship. everyone around me can attest to it. i couldn’t tell enough people about how pumped i was about that budding relationship.
it quickly became very bad for me. i was treated very unfairly and badly, and any reckoning with that resulted in her becoming self-deprecating which was basically bait for me to then somehow reassure her that she wasn’t hurting me and gaslighting me on a daily basis.
we can get more into that later on, i’m sure. but basically i’m giving you this context because i noticed she’s in a new relationship already.
approximately 1 month after we ended, already met someone totally new and is entirely committed to them? it just seems wild to me. it threw me for such a loop.
the thing is, she sent me a wistful email 3 days before my birthday on 5/8. 12 days later she was with this dude.
what’s the point of me saying all of this? well, first i’m not entirely surprised for this news. i’ve always gotten the sense that the intensity of our relationship was weirdly routine for her though she’d swear it wasn’t. additionally, i believe that she can’t bear to be single for longer than a month. truly. this isn’t to denigrate, it’s just flat out how it seems to me.
it’s insanely intriguing to me how much this fucked with my head. i had really thought i had put her to rest and reckoned with all that. i don’t crave her and i’m not jealous in that someone else is with her. it just awoke something in me that reminded me how intensely emotional that time was and how it did lay some roots in me however fucked they were.
how does this apply to you, aside from maybe just wanting the scoop on my life?
these new songs have largely been about this relationship thus far, and this news inspires a whole new wave of things in my mind that i can barely contain. I spent the rest of tonight working on this really strange orchestral piece. here it is. i’m interested to see what new songs come out from this point forward, because i have so much to understand and speak on now.
5/31/21
today was so weird…
i woke up at 5:30, inexplicably, and couldn’t fall back asleep - which netted me 4.5 hours of sleep. if you know me, you this is pretty much my undoing.
it’s just horrifying for my mood when i’m underslept - and as per yesterday’s entry, you can imagine why i felt generally screwed up today.
nonetheless, once i got past my frustrating laying awake in bed for 3 hours - i finally got up and made some pasta sauce and cleaned the kitchen. after a bit, i watched ‘the boys’ with my roommate which i’m quite enjoying.
then, adam from banana tapes dropped by to give me the cassettes they’ve been working on…NICE. they’re up in the merch perks section, btw - you get ‘em before anyone else. also nice to catch up with adam - they’re in a band called flesh eater that i sometimes mix/produce which is really fun for me. total freak stuff
anyhow, ended up on a 3 hour call with sal working out these show tracks, which was productive. but after that call i couldn’t carry on, so i napped for an hour. anomalistic.
woke up and made the pasta for the sauce and shared with my roommates. afterword, we did a “grand lap” as you may remember. it was necessary to get out of the house…
got back and watched one last ep of the boys, and now i’m writing this after doing some web stuff.
in such a weird funk today. i can’t figure out why yesterday’s news has me so messed up, but i’m intrigued to unpack and figure out why. it’s not as simple as jealousy or anything, though that’s certainly at play.
i can feel so many tunes coming…
-jesse
6/1/2021
ugh. really didn’t sleep well again. this happens to me from time to time and it’s so unfortunate. i’ll get ‘off’ my sleep pattern one night, and it will just carry over for days in a row…i’m afraid to sleep tonight.
Met with aaron today to discuss new tunes, including the one from two entires ago (new bf). he actually really liked the idea and had very little notes which i’m pumped about. my vision for that tune was to make it a little spooky, whistful and sad - hammer down on that vibe, and then produce it with something more upbeat. this way the outcome will be like, this glossy poppy thing but you won’t be able to escape this sadness at the core of it.
my vision for this upcoming album was for it to be just the new ‘batch of tunes’, but i’m feeling called to make it something at least a little conceptual. classic me, honestly. idk, the funk i’ve been in the past few days is extremely intriguing to me. i can’t really process it. i want to talk to someone about it.
to be honest, this has really highlighted for me just how insansely ‘there for me’ music is. i’ve felt this way time and time again, but this time music feels more there for me than ever. it gives me so much assurance and power.
i would be such a sadsack idiot without music.
6/2/2021
today was a bit of a day off i guess you could say. i went to michael’s tonight and we watched the bo burnham special, ate thai food, and he showed me some of his new tunes, which were reallll nice.
the bo special was great, and i definitely feel like i get what he was going for. i empathize with the process of making a big ol thing alone in a house. i have to wonder how contrived some of the rawer stuff was. who knows how real that is, ya know? i mean everyone has their own journey and private moments, so there’s no real way to compare it to a benchmark of ‘reality’ to know.
anyway. i also didn’t sleep great last night. i’m in another one of these cycles and i really dislike it.
i hope i make some music tomorrow.
6/3/2021
I thought tonight would be a work night but i’ve been fucking off, really. watched to episodes of the boys which was a nice distraction, but i feel guilt for it.
idk. i’m not often this consistently down, but it usually comes in tow with a lack of sleep.
Anyone Will Do
You rip through people
Trying to get a grip
You swear you love each and every one
Over the moon
But anyone will do
As long as they’ll eat your food
And take your shit
They’ll be the love of your life
‘Cause anyone will do
You deserve more
Though you’d never think it
‘Cause as long as they’re
Nice & hot enough
You’ll suppress it
Just give it a couple days
To forget all about it
Because, phew, you’ve got a bedmate
& anyone will do
6/4/2021
I’m trying to stay up for you all, but it’s really hard.
I’ve still not caught up on this sleep situation and it’s grinding me to nothing. sorry to sound so doomy.
tonight was so insane. i can’t really tell you what happened unfortunately, but i didn’t work on any music stuff. i mean, implicitly i did.
i’m sorry, maybe there will be more tomorrow.
6/5/2021
I have family in town so a lot of today is about visiting with them. not entirely though (thankfully), because I feel probably the worst I’ve ever felt for months. I warned my sisters about it so i think they’re fine. i just had to feign happiness all day.
I drove all over the place today, and every time I got into the car, I cried to pet sounds by the beach boys.
I must have cried like 14 times today.
I woke up at 5am unwittingly which is the worst night of sleep yet. I want this curse to end, I just don’t know how it will. with the pace of things I don’t think it will tonight either which i’m hating the sound of.
the thing about ‘wouldn’t it be nice’ by the beach boys that makes me so sad is that it describes a love that I’ve never fathomed and seems impossible to have. The extra trouble is that I could have that, I just don’t know if I can recognize it or let myself open to it.
I’m sorry for being so goddamned cryptic and down this week. i need hugs galore. today was an absolute dark mess.
thank you for being here. i’ll get back to music soon.
-jesse
6/6/2021
I lost my Id somewhere along the line yesterday, and after looking everywhere today I couldn’t find it. The thing is, my fam had this party bus thing planned and it was unsure if I would be able to get on without it. but ya know what’s cool? apparently when you buy a new ID they send you a confirmation/”interim” license. there’s no photo but there is a bar code. the dude checking IDs was just scanning them, so i gave him that paper and it scanned just fine. kinda neat
anyway, another day of not much music. had a good time on the party bus thing. you know what’s a good song? “no scrubs” by TLC.
watched ‘the boys’ to de-alcohol and then went to get some really good pasta out. it was dusk and we sat near glass windows. i felt whistful as hell but happy i guess.
i once upkept a tumblr that I think is kinda good to read back to - was proud of how I wrote then. there was this one passage that created a vignette around this young batch of friends getting dinner around dusk. there’s something about dusk and being social that feels really special. don’t ask me to explain
i also feel fat tonight. but i’ll feel better tomorrow i bet.
skipped yoga. shouldn’t have but was tired, full of pasta, and had kind of a headache.
anyhoo. this week will really be about music, I promise. night night all.