10/25/2021 - 10/31/2021
10/25/21
Tonight I got an Std test and then put clothes in my new dresser. Lmao. Then I did yoga. Which was so easy!! Love when it feels like that.
I guess I also did stop at Michael’s house to hang a bit, and I built his ikea shelves for him because I just couldn’t take it any more.
My house truly feels like it’s coming together now. There are very few items I could want that would really make this house totally decked out at this point. Digging owning a house, even though it does get lonely and weird at times.
10/26/2021
man, I’ve been sleeping so good and everything’s going fine, but I’ve had such bouts of jealousy lately that have really given me pause. It’s something I want to talk about to figure out where it’s coming from and if it’s connected to a larger issue of mine.
I get possessive over people I guess. This one girl got into a relationship with another friend of mine - wish them the absolute best and I think they are both great people. But I felt really bad about it?? I had gotten coffee with her a few times and I kind of knew we weren’t meant for each other, but even so I feel a sense of loss. Why? I wonder if this is just who I am. I’ve felt this way so many times. I think I am just aggressively lonely.
anyway, today I practice my parts for the show which went much better than I thought. I also put a guitar hanger on the wall since I finally got drill bits. I also whipped up some more ads for the show. I can’t wait to play this show so I can dig hard into new album stuff.
big day I think. Excited to relax tomorrow.
10/27/2021
tonight i hung out with my friend, ex, sometimes lover, what have you.
so interesting. we’ve been very transparent and have talked about this, but whatever reason i can’t bring myself to just settle in with her and to be in a relationship with her.
I mean, we’ve done that already, for over a year before, back in 2017 - so i think that’s part of it. i told her that i would like to be single for a while but would also be open to exploring things with her for the 7th time (or so - and i don’t say that begrudgingly or anything, hahah. i do like her very much).
More or less we’re fine to be somewhat romantic and also be open to other people so long as there’s transparency.
i just wish i felt the ‘fire’, whatever it is. I’ve like never felt it. am i complacent? not trying enough? i don’t know.
10/28/2021
man, today was a big old music night, it was great. I woke up and did yoga to make sure my day was clear. then i did a podcast with my friend attxla about his record which i’m fuckin obsessed with. that was very fun. Then i practiced my parts for the whole show coming up, tweaked my sampler along the way, edited some ads, started editing that podcast, and listened back to some tunes i’ve been working on.
It’s so hard to feel satisfied with music i make, truly!! i mean it’s a problem every artist has. but i wonder what it’d be like if i really waited as long as it took for me to become totally satisfied with a record i make. i’m generally proud and satisfied of everything i did, but i’ve never hit that 100% mark in my mind. i just really prioritize putting out music more than putting that perfect sheen on it or something. I would rather iteratively discover how to do that more quickly and better, and share along the way. you also learn a lot from releasing.
basically, i’d like to learn how to be sharp and quick, and part of that is trying to be sharp and quick rather than delaying and toiling over every last detail. i’d rather be able to just shit out awesome songs haha. wondering if any of that made any sense…anyway!
been sleeping with a stuffed animal and its improved my sleep greatly. cray right?
10/29/2021
tonight, aaron and i got together for six hours to set up for rehearsal tomorrow. jeeze! i was so tired too. there was so much to be done and to get figured out, and we closed it all out with a crucial shopping list for guitar center the next morning. this shit honestly never ends!! i’ve been chipping away at this live rig forever. tomorrow i’ve got to get some cables and maybe a handful of other things, like an SM57 microphone. not pumped to continue to spend more money as i slowwwwwly get broker. lmao. i’m fine, i promise, just always makes me nervous to have a lot bank account. need to adjust to this new situation.
i love playing shows, but every time we have one i realize how financially irresponsible it can be at this stage. bit of a catch 22 because you need to invest, but there are smarter ways to get started. it’s a dream of mine to profitably tour, but it takes a lotttttt of building up.
10/30/2021
we did it, 6 people in my tiny ass room, playing these nuts tunes with an over the top live rig.
as soon as i woke up i went to guitar center to get the remaining stuff, got home to implement it all into the setup, and pretty much minutes later the band started showing up. sal never sent me the tracks for ithaca so i had to whip up a quick stopgap for that. it took us 1.5 hours to get situated and then we were finally able to play for 2 hours - touched on everything except tetris and smoke and scowl.
despite the inefficiencies, everyone did SO great. this band is absolutely incredible - everyone super prepared and really crushing their parts. it was really something.
after that, i went to a halloween party at graci’s. a fun and normal time, i’d say. haha. i haven’t been to a proper party in so long, so that was nice. i can be pretty talkative, it turns out. reassuring.
10/31/2021
was out late last night - and slept well, just too short. always my curse! was super low energy today but still did the michael errands. in fact, we even extended it and i built some of his ikea furniture while he practiced some tunes on guitar. real nice time. he bought me lunch in return.
i got home and felt real listless, i tried to nap a bit and somewhat succeeded. didn’t feel great afterwards but it bought me the energy to do my yoga - the schedule of which has been all fucked up for a while now! i’d really like to get back on the every other day grind.
was talking to a 37 year old guy at the party last night that was just like “if you’re doing all that yoga, you’re future proof. when you turn 30 you need to do all this boring stretching shit to stay healthy.” funny and reassuring.
I also hung up my bass guitar using a guitar wall hanger, which I’ve been dying to do. tbh i love working at my house. It’s pretty much “done” but now i’m in a phase where I can slowly optimize it a bit.