Day 3: WHEN YA GONNA
VLOG #3
LYRICS:
In what timeline are we together, huh?
In what timeline are we together, yeah?
This ain’t a machine that I can jump into
It’s just a rouse
I’m cut up too
Just drop it
This ain’t a trend, said I’m talking to you but you won’t listen to me
I’m covered up stifled by that lazy suffocating hand
When ya gonna start looking at me, yeah?
My apologies for being 5 feet, yeah
It’s not pain if it’s productive in practice
It’s not pain if it makes you feel fervent
It’s not pain, I said it’s not pain, I said it’s not pain, no
It’s not pain if it makes you feel right
I’m straight sorry my jacket’s cotton, yeah
I’m straight sorry my hair is cleaned up, yeah
I wanna keep you safe from the knife that’s stuck in myself
I hide it, yeah
I’m bleeding
I’d grab your neck if you wanted me to, but you would never know it
I got a car and you’d just be my girl but you don’t wanna click it
When ya gonna start looking at me, yeah?
My apologies for being 5 feet, yeah
It’s not pain if it’s productive in practice
It’s not pain if it makes you feel fervent
It’s not pain, I said it’s not pain, I said it’s not pain, no
It’s not pain if it makes you feel right
I’m covered up, stifled by that lazy suffocating hand
Said I would talk, but you’re messing around and saying that I can’t
When ya gonna start looking at me, yeah?
My apologies for being 5 feet, yeah
When ya gonna start looking at me, yeah?
My apologies for being 5 feet, yeah
Video:
I performed this song with my band in Columbus, OH on tour in April 2018 at probably my favorite venue on tour - Woodland's Tavern. Amazing lights and sound! This performance has an intro called 'Youth Shot' - from my earlier EP.
ORIGINAL DEMOS:
Here's the original demo from 2016.
Here is the piece from which the drum part was sampled!
Journal Entry #3: I used to be so self conscious about my height
I'm 5'5. The average height of an American male is 5'9. I am what you'd call remarkably short.
This used to bother me to no end. I used to think I was inferior to the girls I dated, who always were maybe half an inch taller than me. I became such a toxic brat about my height, especially between the ages of 16 and 22.
It was the root of so many problems that I didn't realize at the time. I felt that it contributed to a boyish-ness about me that made me notably less powerful and attractive to those around me. To compensate, I'd let my anger and bitterness speak louder. I'd be snarkier, ruder - I'd flaunt my intellect, trying to showcase the ways that I'm more powerful than my 'manlier' counterparts.
While this sounds noble, it mostly just made me come off as an asshole. When you're not secure with yourself, toxicity comes to the forefront. Owning your strengths in that context becomes more of an immature stab rather than a composed wielding of confidence.
I started to get over this in the summer of 2012. I just decided it was time to better myself. I started running 4 times a week, recording a lot of music, keeping a journal, reading a lot of sociology books, and going on a lot of trips. It really helped.
Since then I just decided 'fuck it'. That was the first time that I really knew who I was and knew my worth.
The lyric 'In what timeline...' was a thought I'd always dwell over regarding my height. I liked this realllllly tall girl in college, and we were good friends. But when I revealed I liked her, she told me that she liked all of these great things about me that no other guy has, but didn't like me in a romantic sense. All I could think about was - if I was taller, all of these traits you mention would amount to a romantic attraction, but my height imposes a mental block on you seeing me that way. It's a totally manipulative and unfair way of thinking, but that's the toxicity of having such a strong insecurity. Ever since then I viewed my height in the context of alternate timelines. Like - if there were a parallel universe where everything was the same about me except my height, you would be romantically interested in me.
It's totally useless to think about these things...
Anyway. The song kind of flips that dwelling on its head uses that concept to say 'get over yourself, I'm cool as fuck!' Haha. This song was totally just a playground for me to get out all of my confidence in a way that empowered me. The sassy synth rock atmosphere of the tune I found to be really complimentary to that goal.
I kind of always pictured a "The Fonz"-esque character singing this song.
The funny thing about all this is as soon as you stop letting it bother you, no one else thinks about it either. Sometimes this past insecurity will come up in conversation, and almost universally the people I talk to will say "I NEVER thought about you as short" or "I never even knew you were a shorter guy." Fake it 'til you make it!
The last girl I dated was 5'7.
GEAR USED:
Drumset
Arturia Minibrute Bass Synthesizer (Bassline in chorus)
Korg Poly-800 (One of many huge synth pads in chorus)
Roland AX-09 (Organ in chorus)
Roland JU-06 Digital Synth (Bassline in verses, organ in verses)
Korg Volca Keys (Arpeggiated synth in the intro and throughout)
Fender Telecaster (Guitar)
Moog Theremini (Synth solo in bridge)